Patient Sharing

 

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Dear Ingrid,

I think it is true that Mary's life did touch me deeply. Though I only called once and left a message, I still have the scrap of paper that she wrote her name and number on for me. It is not her death that has scared me, except for the specific fear of pain at death.  I have left my body enough times to know that it is easy to transit and not scary.

It is All those other things you talked of that are scary:  not knowing my purpose, the conflict and confusion, the restless longing for place, the watching of this world and its physical devastation by ignorance and greed.  Those are truly the things that scare me -- and that I will not fulfill my responsibilities and have to walk again some lonely confused path; but death no, I am not afraid of that.  I guess it was also that none of us know our death date; and while that holds excitement and wonder around it, it is frightening, like having an exam and not knowing the test date.

I am like you and have a million projects and people still on my agenda.  I too thought I was on a path.  I have a fierce cough /cold the last four days and have indulged in depression and despair but am basically a tenacious fighter and have already put out energy toward new paths. I don't know where or why or what; and in the meantime, I berate and belittle myself for not knowing and for feeling so stuck. My energy is voracious at times and I feel like a caged animal behind some veil that is of my own making.  I have had periods of great purpose and discipline in my life but now doesn't seem to be one of them. Take care of yourself and rejoice that you gave Mary so much hope and focus around her disease. I know what a blessing that was for her.

Hugs to you.

K.

Messages from Patients Bulletin Board for Patients